A while back we went furniture shopping and a set of brown sofa caught my attention. The sofa was wide and comfortable, I was sure it can almost fit a whole person inside, but it was priced at over 4000 yuan. I turned to Hubby, "I should buy it for you, for your wedding gift." Hubby glanced at me in surprise, "Nonsense!", then went on to examine some tea sets with great deal of pretended interest.
It was such an obvious and unnecessary act that even I could tell, but other than that, there wasn't anything he could have done or said. I watched his back and gave a faint smile.
He did not know that I was not mad at him nor was I trying to intentionally hurt him with my words. I really wanted to buy him something.
We arrived at the end station and got off the bus. It was already dusk. We slowly paced towards home.
I turned my head to look at him. The light of the falling sun shined on his face and softened his outline, I could see the slight fluff around his nose. He always had a lot of thin facial hair around his mouth and even on the sides of his face and upper neck. I tried to convince him to shave those two places, but he was never willing, afraid that shaving them will make the hair darker and turn the bottom of his face to a different color as if he was wearing a half-mask.
When we returned home, the suitcases were already in the living room and he returned to packing. I pretended not to see. I trusted that he still can distinguish between what is mine and what is his.
Hubby laid face-up on the bed and I rested on top of him. I scootched up a bit and gave a slight rub against his face with mine.
He probably enjoyed it as well and placed his face against mine.
For me, an embrace is much more important than sex. Sex can come from just lust, whereas an embrace comes from a heart full of love and trust. An embrace is the physical act of completely opening yourself up to another person.
"Skin to skin, ear to ear."
Those words are well said.
From 1999 to 2006, 7 years. Loving him already became part of my physical body. Sometimes I almost do not feel it, but when it comes time to cut it off, I cannot bear it. There is so much pain I want to cry.
Hubby asked me if I will ever like another person. It was such a heavy question that I can only respond jokingly. "Of course," I said, "maybe one day suddenly I will 'Trick' someone, we will 'Brokeback Mountain' and go on 'A Walk to remember'."
He was amused, "I know your type, the calm and mature type, you need someone that can be the pillar to your sky."
My dormmates back in college have said the same thing, "In the future you have to find someone that settles you down." They probably said that because I was too childish back then. After I met my dormmates I would constantly prank them. Thankfully no one was ever truly offended and they would often just smile helplessly at me.
"Who knows, " I responded, "If I really like someone in the future then so be it, but if not and someone wants to pursue me, not only do they need to be calm and mature, but handsome, and rich too."
To be honest I have thought about the same question before, but I do not know what type of person I will like in the future. My thoughts would always turn back to him, my head would be so completely consumed by his face that I am unable to even imagine the possibility of a second person. Sometimes these thoughts makes me feel truly hopeless.
I started to think about the wedding gift again. I really like the phrase "Sincerely wish your life to ever tide peacefully and smoothly". When it is time I will send that message along with the gift, as the phrase now means nothing to me.
I still have a lot to say to him, "If there is ever a day when you can't handle it anymore, come find me, I will wait." This would plant a seed in his heart, make him feel guilty perhaps and think of me. If I let him know that there is always a possible future, he will never have to be forced to suffer.
When there is a chance, this seed will grow, and I will collect.
But I also want to say to him, "You must get married, do not think about the past and just focus on living." Conforming to a life style that is acceptable by society would be much more relaxing, it would be a different kind of happiness.
Besides, there is a woman involved in all of this. When it comes down to it, she is the most innocent party.
I keep going back and forth between those two thoughts, unable to choose.
In the end I selfishly sent him a text message, "I will wait for you until I am 35 and by that time if you still have not come, I will find someone else."
I am not innocent, but I am not guilty either.
I am just in love with a person.
"In death or life we are separated and far apart; With you I made an agreement: I grasped your hand, Together with you I was to grow old." This is indeed a woeful poem. Life, death and farewell are all big things that we cannot control. Compared with the outside power, we the people are so small! But we still claim, “I want to be with you forever, and only death can separate us.” As if we can decide it.
-- Zhang Ailing/张爱玲
He is getting married in half a month. It has been 1 week since he moved out. I have not seen him and nor has he responded to my text message, who knows what he thought of it.
So it has come to this, I am not complaining because early on I knew this might happen. My mindset had always been "each extra day is a bonus". It feels as if I had stolen the happiness and bliss we expeirenced in these past years, and now it is time to give it all back.
I do not want to point my fingers at society to say how unfair all of this is, because...what's the point.
I have always been a coward without the courage and determination to fight, so I hide myself in the corner and try not to draw any attention.
On the day that he moved out, many of his employees came to help him move in addition to the moving company. I guess his title of department assistant manager carried some weight. I sat on the sofa in the living room and watched as people moved about. My stillness stoodout. Someone called on me to give them a hand, I pretended not to hear. I was already trying my best to control myself, but my face still gave away an ugly expression.
His co-workers probably just thought I did not know him very well. After I ignored a couple of their forced jokes, my intention to brush them off became apparent and they just ignored me all together.
In TV shows and movies when it is time for farewell, the extras would automatically disappear, leaving the main characters alone.
But after everything was moved, he still had to go set up the new place and his co-workers were dragging him to celebrate. We never got a moment alone to talk.
I was on the sofa still, listening carefully to the cacophonous movements downstairs. I heard his voice, followed by the sound of a car starting. I walked to the patio and looked down; the car was slowly driving away. I watched the car getting on the road, watched it until the sight of it was blocked by other buildings, watched it until I will never see it again.
I found all of the remaining junk and cleaned it up, found some dirty clothes and tossed them into the bucket and then cleaned all the windows.
I needed to find more things to do.
He always resisted his homosexual identity. Sometimes I thought that, without me, he would have loved a girl.
He never said "I love you". Even though we lived together and made love often, he just never said it. It is as if once he spoke out such a sentence, it would have meant that he admitted his homosexual identity.
I never said it to him either, only written it a couple times in letters. I felt too embarrassed to speak it out loud.
My insomania has been crippling this week.
No matter how tired I am, I would fall half-asleep at best. Then occasionally I would hear a slight noise, or suddenly think of him and the past, my whole body would then be completely awake. My head would wander in thoughts until daybreak.
I tried to read books or go on the internet, but I would become exhausted within minutes and go back to bed again, still unable to sleep.
I had the same problem back in college, my dormmates labeled me the "night owl".
I tried sleeping pills, but I hated the discomfort the morning after.
I heard this story a long time ago. A widow would throw one hundred copper-coins into her room every night, and then looked for them one by one, in the corner, under the bed... By the time she collectd all of the coins it would be nearly dawn. When I first heard the story I knew she did this because of loneliness, but that's it, I could not feel what she felt.
Now I feel sad when I recall that story.
Here is my situation now - I cannot sleep at night and my my mind would be blank when I am awake. I don’t feel particularly sad; I just have no idea how to kill time. He left me nothing but loneliness. Whenever I think about the future, I would be filled with dread or even fear since I may have to live this way for many years to come. Maybe I will not be able to endure until I am 35.
We shared the same dorm during the first year of college when our relationship was vague and upsetting.
One night whilst sleeping, I suddenly called out to his name and then woke up, heard him replying to me in a dazed voice besides my bed, “Yeah?”
I felt comfortable at that moment just knowing he was there, then I turned over and fell asleep again.
I was not there when my sister had her c-section, but my parents and her husband accompanied her to the delivery room.
Later she told me, “ Only my husband’s presence could make me feel safe. Although he could not help as he is not a doctor, seeing him was all I needed to put my fears away.”
Maybe that is the significance of a married couple to each other! No matter how much or little they love each other, the nature of a committed relationship is just fundamentally different than other types of relationships.
There are many stories like this - no matter how badly the husband mistreats the wife, she would not divorce him because every once in a while she would wake up in the middle of the night and know that there is someone besides her, a real living person. Although he might be useless or treats her poorly, he is still much more intimate to her compared to strangers or regular friends. Sometimes just his presense is a profound comfort.
So I am still afraid. It is dilfilcult for someone to abandone his family and child. If one day he decides to stay with her and continue with that life, what would I do?
Yesterday I received an email from him. He said he has been thinking of me, loves me, and not to blame him. It was a nice letter, considering his poor writing skills, it was probably the best piece of writing he has ever written.
I read it over again and again and the email filled me with conflicting emotions. What's the point of saying all that to me when he already made his decision.
I told a friend roughly what he said and told her "Look at what he did! First claims that he loves me, then makes me so sad."
I don’t blame him really. I just have nothing to do but regret.
We never talked deeply about the future, for we realized what the future would be. I knew what kind of person he is, and that he was bound to get married. Our affection was destined to have a beginning but no end.
He is a sophisticated man who will not confront with convention. If there is no outside judgement, maybe we could have continued to live a quiet life. But rumors are inescapable and as he rises higher in his position, he will be given more attention.
He probably has been debating whether to send an invitation card to me. I cannot help but to smile every time I thought about this; his face always looked so silly when he struggled with an awkward situation.
Some good friends will come to attend his wedding from other cities. They will ask why I am absent. After all, they all know that we were apartmentmates even after graduation.
In the end, I decided not to attend. He is going to marry another person. He cannot possibly expect me to smile and say "Congratulations and best wishes for a happy life together!". It is just too much.
Back when I was a kid, my grandpa lived next door to us, so he watched me grow up.
Later my grandpa moved to my uncle’s. He once commented on my sisters and me: “The girls are very good, but the boy is so 'head-straight'.”
Head-straight in his dialect means headstrong, though I don’t know why I was regarded as such.
My mother agreed with my grandpa though, said that I always follow a path to its very end and would not turn around until I hit a wall.
She seldomly interferes in my affairs, especially now when she is at such an old age. Occasionally she would urge me in a mild manner to find a girlfriend, telling me that if a man lives without a woman’s care, he will surely live a shorter life. I never argued with her but when it is all said and done I would continue to do my own thing.
I tried to talk to her about this several times, telling her that I don't adore anyone, let alone get married, so I will just practice celibacy all life.
She would get very worried.
But being a celibate is more acceptable than being a homosexual. In my small hometown, people are so ill-informed and closed-off that they probably have never heard about gays, or refused to believe that such a thing existed.
I have been considering leaving this city these days. I stayed here because of him, now that he has left perhaps I should do the same. If I continue to stay here, I would be constantly reminded that he is not too far away, living with his wife by his side and maybe a child in the near future.
Maybe I should go to Beijing, where I can make a change to my life and be closer to my hometown.
I don’t know how everything will go down in the future. Maybe I should block off all news about him from now on.
I am more willing than anyone in the world to wish for his happiness, it's just that when I remember I am excluded from it, I am filled with sorrow.
The short story "Small Happiness Of Life" I published before was bumped to the top of the forums recently. Comparing that story with this one, I can only heave a slight sigh.
We were so happy at that time. The sky was so blue, and the trees were so green. Everything in my eyes were singing. Back then when I said that I did not believe in "love everlasting" I was just pretending.
I still remember his words, "It is a long life, so I’d rather share it with someone I like."
The words still ring in my ears, but I have fallen from heaven to hell.
Good news! A classmate came down from the distant north after two-days of train travel. He tried his best to get his professor’s approval to take two weeks off.
I mentioned in "The Small Happiness Of Life" that he was the only one who knew about "us" among all the classmates. I even wrote a short prose named "More Than A Good Friend" to him after graduation, half gratefully and half jokingly for his understanding.
Upon learning his arrival, some classmates in the area began to plan a meet up to get drunk and welcome him.
He refused shortly, "I didn’t come for the wedding."
We used to mock him as the guy who was even more self-disciplined than temple monks. During the four years of college, he went to bed and got up at the same time every day, never watched movies, never bought snacks nor skipped classes.
He was respectfully aloof from everyone, and even went shopping alone. So I felt extremely flattered when he asked me to hang out with him to a book store in our senior year.
My friend claimed that since he had been away for so long, he needed me for my company to take him around so both of us would not attend the wedding.
I was relieved. For one thing, I had no execuse to be absent from the wedding. And if I did attend the wedding, it would be no less than delivering myself to be tortured. Some people say that the more painful it is, the more quickly the wound would heal. But I’m not sure if I can handle it.
Upon hearing the news that my ex is going to get married, he travelled far away from the northeast China to keep me company and protected me from the whole thing. I am grateful to him from the bottom of my heart for his consideration.
Everyone thought that something unpleasant happened between him and my ex and questioned him continuously to mediate. They even called my ex to ask him to apologize.
He just ignored them and toured around the city with me for two days.
I am still not sleeping well and my eyes have become painfully dry. Eye drops are no help.
I felt tired after some shopping yesterday and was taking a break on the sofa with my eyes closed. He sat on the tea table in front of me and asked me how I was feeling.
This was the first time we talked about this matter seriously. Although he knew about our relationship, he had not asked about it in detail and I never told him much either. As a completely straight guy, he might be awkward about this and I was worried that he might feel weird or even disgusted.
But other than him there is no one else I can talk to. Upon hearing his sympathetic tone, I burtsted into tears. I was able to keep it down for so long and pretend that nothing was wrong. The surpression of my emotion has become such a habit that I can no longer cry with abandon. Choking with tears, I told him, "I feel so sad."
There was not much he can say. Even the best of friends cannot interfere too much in a relationship
Speaking of the future, I said I will wait for my ex until I am 35. He strongly opposed it, arguing that it was an unrealistic plan.
Love is already something unrealistic. I love him not because he is good, handsome or rich. He is neither rich nor handsome. More than anyone else I understand his faults. He procrastinates, often not willing to take action until the very last second. He is not that bright and never picked up English properly. He is even a little wily.
But I fell in love with him unconditionally, I don't even remember the exact moment when that happened.
“Nankang, Nankang, grow up.” Said by someone online in a message.
I can grow up. Many people just find someone they are okay with. It may not be love, but if they spend enough time together, a type of companionship can grow between them. Or they break up and try to find some one new.
Or I can act like the most realistic person, become lovers by night and strangers by day.
Of course I can do that, but I am just afraid that no one else can replace him and I would feel even lonelier when the person I wake to is not him.
It is not that I am willing to wait, but I have to do so. I know I will not meet anyone else that I can love as much as I love him.
People say that time is ultimate, eventually it will erase everything. Both happiness and sadness will pass.
I can only move on slowly. Maybe after many years when I think back on these recent events, I will already have someone else in my heart. Or maybe I will still be waiting, but no longer remember what I was waiting for. Or maybe he will have returned by my side.
If you stand on a street and look at the people come and go, everyone is in a hurry and giving indifferent glances at each other. No one can see through the stories behind other people, and no one knows if in other’s heart lives someone like him.